Here In My Room
by Vreeka
Summary: Song-fic. "After your little run in with Xander, say oh, 2 years ago, I came here expecting a little bit of an answer myself." A post Chosen/NFA fic, Buffy finds out a truth that changes her life just in time. B/A fluff, and Xander!


Disclaimer: No copyright intented, all characters belong to the fantastical Joss Whedon.

Summary: Song Fic, inspired from Here In My Room by Incubus. A reunion story, post NFA and Chosen. Buffy/Angel find each other again. Rated M, for innuendo.

Spoilers: Nothing specific.

A/N: I realized that all my fanfics have Angel going after Buffy, so I wanted to change it up and have her do the chase instead. I know I do a lot of happy ending B/A but I really can't help myself. Hopeless romantic, what can I say?

So, anywho.. enjoy and please review!

* * *

Here In My Room

_**This party is old and uninviting  
Participants all in black and white**_

He's become human. He never thought it would happen, as far as he knew, that dream was gone. Signed away. However, here he is, living and breathing proof that miracles do happen. Redemption, it seems, is finally his. The minute his heart starts pumping again, and little Kathy comes and tells him the powers are done with him (using many more words than that) he knows where he wants to be. But that too, is a dream he's given up, long ago.

"Angel?" Comes the voice from beside him. He looks down at the woman, saying his name in that manner that makes him gasp for air, well it had, once upon a time. Now, it's just a painful reminder of what he doesn't have.

"Yes, Nina?" She had waited for him after the end. Well, what he had thought was the end. Turns out, there are many of those.

"Do you wanna dance?" She can't help notice how he always visibly deflates whenever she says his name, and she also can't pretend she doesn't know why. She thought, given enough time, he might love her the way she loves him, but seeing this reaction for the hundredth time, only enforces the idea that it isn't going to happen. Ever.

Dance. That is the last thing he wants to do right now. In fact, he can think of at least 5 other things he'd rather be doing.

One: not be here at this mundane event. The charity part, he completely approves of. After all, even human, helping the helpless is what he does. But the rest of it, well he can only view as un-necessary. The rich helping the poor, but only after they get their dinner and dancing, seems highly hypocritical. All the money spent "thanking" these people is a waste. He can think of many others, who gave everything, some, even their lives, to save the world, and expected nothing in return. She had died twice for the world and as far as he knows, is still in the fight. _Okay, stopping that train of thought now_, _before it gets me in more trouble. _

Two: To not be wearing this constricting tux. To add insult to injury, he's done the tux thing before, and never enjoyed it since. It only reminds him of a bittersweet moment from his painfully long past. The only way a tux can be saved is if she's floating towards him in a sea of white.... _again, stopping here._

Three: Eating sushi. Yes, he loves sushi. Which is, when you think about it, extremely weird. 240+ years of rawness, and cold "food", but sushi is still some of his favourite. Yet, on the other hand, it makes sense. When you get used to something for so long, it's hard to let it go completely. And that thought, is painfully accurate. It's been so long since.. and yet, he still can't let go. He knows he never will. _Must stop this again,_ he thinks.

Four: Sleeping in his bed. Even after all this time, sleeping at night is a luxury he still thoroughly enjoys. At first, it had been hard to get used to switching his routine, but then it became the normal thing, and he loves it. In fact, he relishes in it. He loves waking up to the sun beating down upon him, that is one thing he's adamant about. No shades. The sun is finally allowed to fill everypart of his room, and he likes the change. As bad as this next thought will be, he has to admit it to himself. _I'd rather be in my bed with her._ Which leads to reason number five.

Five: This is something he ALWAYS wants, no matter what moment or place he's in. In fact, it merely includes her prescence. He knows, that any situation he's in, even if he detestes it, such as this torturous event, is worth doing if she's with him. If she were there, everything else would be fine by him. Nothing could be painful, if she were at his side. Reason number five, he carries with him always. Unlike the rest, this thought gives him some comfort. At least, some things don't change.

He suddenly realizes he hasn't answered Nina, and he looks in her direction once again. He can clearly see the dissapointment whelling in her eyes, and he instantly feels bad about it. He cares for Nina, yes. Maybe even loves her, in his own way. But he can't give her what she deserves, as hard as he tries. It doesn't belong to him anymore, and _you can't give what you don't have._

"Sorry, I was just thinking.." She silences him with her finger. As clearly as the previous thought had hit her, this next does as well.

".. of her, I know." She finishes for him. Of course she knows he would never say that, but she also knows she had to. It's time to give up the denial. For her own good. She deserves more than this half relationship. "I'm leaving." She grabs her purse and shawl and stands up to go. He grabs her arm before she can take off.

"Nina, that's not what I was gonna say... look, i'm sorry. I'll go with you.." Gently she touches his face. She'll miss him, that part is true.

"I think you know what I mean. Please, don't make me say it, because I don't think I can." The guilt floods him instantly, for one reason, hurting her is something he's never wanted to do and secondly, he knows he isn't going to stop her.

"I tried, you know. I really did... I'm sorry." His half filled response is lacking, he knows this. But, it's all he can say.

"I know that too. I also know i'm not the one who should be doing this, cuz God! 5 minutes ago I wouldn't have... but.. I've had an epiphany.." Nina takes a breath and pauses briefly, "... go to her. And before you argue with me.. you know she wants you too. I don't need to know her to know that." A sad smile fills her face as she realizes that this is probably the last time she'll ever see him again. They had never moved in together, and in this instant, she's glad of that because she knows her will would crumble if she has to face him once more after tonight. She kisses him gently for the last time, "Be happy Angel. You deserve it." And with that, she dissapears.

_**You enter in fullblown technicolor  
Nothing is the same after tonight**  
_

A month goes by, and he still doesn't go to her. Nina's words ring in his mind everyday, but he can't. After all, there's something Nina doesn't know. Just before the end in L.A. he had sent her away to protect her, thinking his life was over. He never knew how right he had been. His vampire life was over yes, but that's not the ending he has in mind. Because, he HAD gone to her. He wasn't sure if she was cookies yet, (and boy he hates using that analogy) but he was. He was done with sacrifice, death, and pain. He was finally ready for the dream of her.

It took longer than he had hoped. Of course, the first place he had gone to, was Rome. Only to be dissapointed, and relieved at the same time. She had never lived there, after all. The woman he had seen with Spike, was just a decoy. And how he had missed that, he had no clue. Denial was a strong thing, he supposed. But that left him clueless, and sure he ran into Andrew again, but clearly that guy was full of it. It took almost everything in him, not to beat the guy to a bloody pulp. But, he had just gotten redemption, and a severe beating, no matter how much Andrew deserved it, would go against the grain.

He finally found her in the land of tea and scones. England. It didn't surprise him though, Giles was the closest thing she had to a father, so he found it natural that she'd stick by him. When he eventually found her, his heart broke in a way he never knew it could. She was sitting at a picnic bench, with all the scoobies in tow, even some he didn't know. Particularly, one. The one who had his arm draped around her in fact. They were all laughing, and having a great time, and though he was dying inside, he was glad she seemed happy. He turned to leave, when he ran into someone he least expected. Funny, he hadn't noticed Xander wasn't among the others.

The look on his face was unsurprising. Shock at seeing, dead-boy, as he once called him. Only, Xander could clearly tell he wasn't dead-boy anymore.

"Look who's become a real boy." And the bitterness Angel expected to hear wasn't there. And that, surprised him. But he couldn't do the banter portion of the conversation, it just wasn't in him.

"Is she happy?" He asked, It was the only thing worth finding out.

Xander hesitated for a moment, clearly mulling the question over. "You know what? I think she is." He couldn't deny what he thought to be true, she did seem happy.

"That's all I needed to know." Angel turned to leave, heart-broken but happy that she had finally got what he always wanted for her.

After all this time, Xander had grown some, alot really, so the next words that came from his mouth were to be expected by those around him. "She still deserves to know, you know."

Angel freezed, pondering what the boy, or man now, he guessed, said. "Perhaps, but her happiness means more to me than mine, and I don't want to screw it up for her." He turned his head to face Xander again, "So please, don't say anything. Not for me, but for her." Xander nodded, "I'm not promising anything though because she does deserve to know, but you're right. Her happiness comes first." He didn't vocalize the thought running through his mind, _but someday I will. _And so, Angel left.

A knock at the door breaks him of his thoughts. _Who could it be?_ he thinks, he's not expecting anyone. After becoming human, he does the normal human things such as working and living and all that jazz. But other than Nina, he doesn't really let anyone in. He has "friends" and co-workers, so he does the minimum socializing expected, but because some things don't change, books are still his closest companions. Besides, brooding is his specialty. And now more than ever, he has reason to.

He puts the book he isn't reading down, and makes sure he looks presentable. _Probably just a neighbour, landlord or something._ As he reaches for the door, a feeling almost unknown, but not unrecognized, pulls at him. Opening it, he understands.

"Buffy."

**_If the world were to fall apart  
In a fiction-worthy wind  
I wouldn't change a thing  
Now that you're here_**

Buffy was pacing in the small room in the back of the church, unsure of what she was feeling. Catching a glimpse of herself, she stopped. Looking at the woman she was, she couldn't explain the thoughts going through her. This is what she had wanted, or at least she thought it was. She was moments away from marrying Tom, and in what should be the happiest moments of her life she couldn't feel anything but despair. Instead of thinking of the man she was going to spend the rest of her life with, she was thinking of the one she wouldn't ever be with. What is wrong with you?! She demanded of herself, but no answer came to her. Tom made her happy, ok, happy was too strong a word but he was a good man. He loved her, and cared for her, and knew who she was, that is, he knew she was a slayer, not THE slayer anymore, but it would always be a part of who she was. For years, she had managed to convince those around her that she was indeed, happy. But she could never lie to herself. Not after the baking analogy.

"Ready?" a voice said interrupting her thoughts. Behind her reflection, she saw Xander. And it was as if, The Powers That Be put him in the room at that moment, and she felt comforted by it. Xander had always been able to reassure her when nothing else did, when no one else did. It was a pity she couldn't love him like THAT, because she undoubtedly saw what a love like his could have been to her. Alas, it was not meant to be. But friendship was.

Before she answered, he already knew that something was off. He saw more with his one than most did with two. "What's wrong?" He came up to her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, and she turned and hugged him.

"I don't think I am." she managed to explain after letting him go.

"You don't think you are what?" Xander asked not understanding. One look from her, and he finally did. "You mean, you're not ready.. as in give me a few moments to fix something or as in you're not ready to get married?" He already knew, but it was obvious she needed to vocalize it.

"The latter." She answered simply. Before Xander could reply, there was more she had to say. "I mean, this is what i've always wanted. Family, check. A life outside of slaying, check. A normal life, check. Marriage, the house and 2.5 children, almost check... but... I can't help but feel, what i'm feeling. And before you say 'everyone gets cold feet before they marry', this isn't that. I've spent years trying to deny and hide the truth, but right now, it's all I can think of. I mean, I care for Tom, I do. But is it love? The forever kind? And the only answer I can think of, is no. I've tried really, he's a great man and deep down I know he'd spend his life trying to make me happy, but I don't think I ever would be. Honestly, I don't think I ever can be. To achieve that, i'd have to be with...." she trailed of, unable to say his name.

"Angel." Xander finished for her. And she could have punched him for it. It wasn't his fault though, she had well hidden any and all thoughts of him from her family, so there was no way Xander would know what kind of pain that name could still inflict on her.

"Buffy, I really wish you could have been more honest with me, expecially after all we've been through together. And when I say me, clearly I mean Dawn, Willow and Giles too. It could have saved us this repeat wedding disaster." A flashback of his own failed attempt at marriage, and the subsequent loss of Anya was something he still couldn't handle. If only he had married her, maybe things would have been different. Maybe she'd still be here. These thoughts maybe should have pushed him to convince her that she should marry Tom after all, but they did the opposite. Doing that would be the equivalent of what he hadn't done. And she still had time to change that.

She threw him a glance so fierce he almost flinched. Almost. Years of life around Buffy made him sure she'd never hurt him. He finally was seeing through the facade she had built up, and wished he had seen through it long before. On that picnic day long ago. If he had, maybe this moment wouldn't have been doomed after all. But he too, had time to change all that.

"Those aren't the words of encouragement I was expecting to hear." She slumped down into a chair, completely forgetting the rumpling it would do to her dress. "I was sort of hoping you had the insight i'm seriously lacking right now."

Oh, irony of ironies. "Actually, I do.... just promise me you won't hit me ok? I mean, you still have all that slayer strength going for you and me, well I only have one eye left." He poignantly aimed at his missing eye.

This little sentence of Xander's, frightened her. What did he know? And why would she want to punch him? "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Buffy, Angel..." A thrill ran through her as he said their names together. Even she hadn't been able to say it in so long. After a pause, he continued. "...Angel is alive."

Again she cringed at the name, but she didn't understand. "Why would I punch you for that? I know he's alive, well un-dead to be accurate, but all the obstacles we ever had are still there." So maybe punching him for his ignorance wasn't too far off from a believable reaction.

Xander came and sat down beside her, taking one of her hands in his. She really could be dense when she wanted to be. "Have I ever referred to dead-boy as alive? Think about that for a minute..." when recognition hadn't crossed her face, he realized he had to actually say it. "Dead-boy is not so dead anymore.. what with the beating heart, the needing to breath and standing in the sun ability.. Buffy... he's human."

So, after consideration, punching Xander had been too mild a plausible reaction. She could have killed him. "Explain. now." And this time, he did flinch.

And so, he began his story of that day.

***

"Xander, how could you?!" Buffy exclaimed after he was done, tearing her veil off. "Don't you think I deserved to know that?!" She was about to get married to someone she didn't love, she had wasted 2 years of her life, and as harsh as that sounded, wasted was the exact word for what it was.

He didn't think he could have felt worse than he did, but he was wrong. Not surprising. "I did. And if you remember, I said so. But we both, and everyone else thought you were happy. I know i've never liked de... Angel, but it was never about that. And as much as you might think I didn't tell you so I could hurt him instead, it's because I didn't want to hurt YOU. I thought you were happy, you seemed it. I didn't want to tell you only to see the guilt you would have undoubtedly felt for moving on. If only you could have been so honest with any one of us, this all could have been different. So, if you think about it, this is kinda your fault." The pressure in his hand made him contradict that. "ooooook ok, NOT your fault. I would have told you someday, I promised that to myself. And i'm sorry it took so long to get out, but better late than never. But, and I know this won't make up for anything, be glad I even saw him. If there hadn't been a Xander/Angel encounter, right now you'd be getting the encouragement you were hoping for. And then where would you be?"

She instantly loosened her grip, well to be fair, she had before, but now, the way he put it, she felt the anger evaporate. "You never stop surprising me Xander, and somehow you always manage to say exactly what I need to hear." She hugged him fiercely. "Thank you. You just stopped me from making the biggest mistake of my life."

Her mind had drifted back to something she had thought earlier, _And it was as if, The Powers That Be put him in the room at that moment_... and she knew she had been right.

"So, let's get you out of here, yes?"

***

The sudden honking of horns dispells her daydreams and she looks around at the incredibly unknown city before her. New York. She would never be able to find him here, she realizes, if it wasn't for Willow. And as busy and loud as New York is, she can picture him here. Hiding in a sea of people, no doubt brooding somewhere. She's been eternally thankful to the Scoobie Gang for helping her get here and supporting her decision. Willow, with the locating spell. Dawn, with the booking of flights and arrangement of hotel (though she hopes she doesn't need it), Giles with the holding of the reigns of the slayer army for as long as she needs, and finally Xander. The handling of the wedding and Tom. It finally being his turn to deal with the marriage disaster, as he puts it, and Tom. She feels bad about that, and she'll give him the explanation he deserves, but first things first. _Angel is alive!_ And the 2 days it takes to get here, even as she hastily leaves her own impending wedding, races home, packs, and takes the first flight she can, are too long.

The many traveling hours take their tole on her, but also give her the time to think of everything that she's feeling. She's angry, devastated, hurt, nervous, excited, overwhelmed, but most predominatly happy. For the first time, in what seems like a millenia. The idea that he might be living a happily ever after of his own, crosses her mind, but she dispells it almost as soon as it enters. Even if he is, it's something she needs to see for herself, or for the rest of her life she'd be asking herself what if. She desperately hopes that isn't the case, and resolves to fight for him tooth and nail if she has to. Nope, giving up has never been one of her fortes.

She glances down at the address hastily written on the paper in her hands. She finally reaches the street she's looking for. Shortly after, the building itself and as luck would have it, she doesn't need to buzz him since someone is walking out as she walks up the steps. Once inside, again she can picture him living here. It isn't an extravagant building like the mansion had been, nor a hole in the ground like the apartment in Sunnydale had been either. It's quaint, and old fashioned and she realizes she loves it too. A mere 5 floor builiding in New York City isn't common, but she realizes, neither is he.

She finally reachs the fifth floor, the elevator's out and boy! is that fun in the way it isn't. But a small price to pay to see him. Apartment 503 comes into view, and she can't help the shivers running through her. After a moments hesitation, she knocks and waits. Then the door opens, and she's whole again.

_**You enter and close the door behind you  
Now show me the world as seen from the stars**_

Upon seeing her, had he been a vampire still, it would have let Angelus loose in an instant. He suddenly realizes he's never been more grateful to Xander in his entire life, and is thoroughly pleased that people can still surprise him. She's here. Of her own accord. _That can only mean one thing, rite?_

"Buffy." The word spills from his lips with such ardour, it embarasses him. His hand drops to his side, and for the moment, he is speechless. He's right, Buffy beside him makes everything ok again. She lets herself in, sensing he won't say a thing, puts down her bags, and closes the door. She roams around the apartment, taking it all in, so astoundingly Angel, she can't help but feel comfortable in here. He forces himself to move, because in the position he's in, he can't see her, and that just won't do. "What are you doing here?" He finally manages, they're so far from what he wants to say, and more importantly do, but he doesn't regret them. He really wants to know.

For a moment, she hesitates. This isn't going at all how she hopes. Part of her has the distinct feeling that he isn't alone. As in single, because her slayer senses tell her that they are alone. In the room at least.

"After your little run in with Xander, say oh, 2 years ago, I came here expecting a little bit of an answer myself." This is heading into a Buffy/Angel fight, she can feel it, and she refuses to let that happen. "But you know what? It doesn't matter anymore. Angel..." there, she finally says it the way she always did. Takes her long enough. "...Two days ago, I was getting married." At the look on his face, she quickly amends. "I mean, I was going to get married." Better. "I was about to start the life I always thought I had wanted. The life you always wanted for me. But who am I kidding? I'm a slayer, and normal may look right on me, but it's not for me. It's just a costume, you know what I mean?" He's trying to understand, but she can tell he doesn't really."Ok, i'm here for two seconds, and I can already see that this is you. This city, God! this apartment building, this room, everything is so you. Even the human part, it all fits you so well. You've been human for all of two years and you're better at it than I'll ever be. Sidenote: About your humanity, thinking about it more carefully, I change my mind. I do want to know why I had to find out from Xander, of all people about it. Which ps. we owe him big time for." He opens his mouth to speak and takes a few tentative steps towards her.

"Please, let me finish. I know I'm babbling, but I've got to get this out and if you speak again, I don't know if I will be able to." He nods, and a small smile crosses his face. He misses even this part of her. "But the life I was leading, was as far from me as.. as.... something very far and unlike me. I'm out of analogies...So anyways... i'm in my dress, minutes away from more 'un-me' and all I can think of, is you. Of how happy i'd be if the man I was walking towards, was you. And I realize something. I don't need normal, I just need you. And then, Godsent, Xander walks in. I do my famous babble session with him, and he finally tells me.. that you're human. And I picture the life I really could have been leading, the closest thing to normal I'll ever want and.. and.. I hated you for that. I hated that you, and Xander I might add, stole two years of my life from me. And before you throw the 'your happiness means more to me than mine crap', how could you ever think that me, Buffy, could have that without you? Human you, vampire you, any you. My life wasn't bad... but I'm not sure that it could be called that. Even if I was happy, I STILL deserved to know, and to make that decision for myself. Do you have any idea what it's like to think that the one thing you truly want in life, is the one thing you can't have.. only to find out, that it is?!" She pauses a moment, forcing herself to calm down. "So, to truthfully answer your question, I'm here to ask you to give me my life back. Which has always been you, even after all these years, I'm still your girl. Always... Unless.. i'm too late and you've moved on and if that is the case, the decent thing would have been for you to interrupt me..."

And so he does. He moves close enough to touch her, and kisses her with all the desire he's been feeling since he first opened the door.

_**If only the lights would dim a little  
I'm weary about eyes upon my scars**_

He manages enough self control to stop kissing her, but not enough to let her go. "My turn." He kisses her once more for good measure. "I love you.... just to get it out of the way. Cuz I almost thought I had lost you during that little rant of yours, and I don't want you to think otherwise. Buffy, I've loved you since the day I first laid eyes on you, and truthfully it's blinded my vision some. I can't say i've always made the best decisions, in fact, i've made some extremely poor ones. That day in the park, being one of them. And you're right, i'll owe Xander for the rest of my life. But I don't regret why I made them. I never will. You. Only you and your happiness could ever be more important than my own. And I know you think its crap, but like I said, loving you has blinded me some. The first time I left you, I knew it was right. The last time, and trust me, that will be the last time.. I thought I was right, and how wrong was I. That decision has haunted me ever since. Every day after, I've asked myself 'what if I had told you I was human?' I wasn't happy, but I thought you were, and that was enough. You say this life is so me, and I guess it is. Me and my apartment and books, distanced from everything. Alone. And that really has always been my life, or un-life really. But its a life I don't want. Never did. I only want you. I can't say I deserve you, God knows I don't, but i'm willing to spend my life trying. And really, I am sorry I wasted so much of our time together. You have no idea how much."

She looks into his eyes, and sees the guilt in them. "I didn't come to make you feel guilty, I know you do that on your own. But Angel, you have to get over this feeling that you're unworthy. You've done so much greatness in your life, and you've, excuse me, WE'VE been rewarded with another chance, so please try to accept that you're a beautiful person, the one I always saw. If you think I deserve happiness, then I clearly deserve you. If we're really doing this, for real this time, we do it together. No more one sided decisions, just open honesty and love. And you beside me, that's all I ask for." She runs her hands up his arms, relishing in the warmthness under them, and it suddenly occures to her that she hadn't even taken the moment to hear his heart beat. She leans her head against his chest and can feel the constant rhythm of his heart. _Thump thump. Thump thump._ A beautiful sound. Realizing what she's doing, he loosenes his arms from around her back and with one hand gently strokes her hair, with the other, holds her chin and forces her to look into his eyes. Kissing her softly at first, and then as the reality of what is happening hits him, with more ardour he knew he had in him. His hands roam down her back once again, and reaching the bottom of her shirt, he places his hands under the hem of it, relishing in the softness of her skin.

As soon as their skin make contact, she gasps out of his kiss. Suddenly, he thinks perhaps he's been moving too fast.

"I'm sorry. I just... " and a blush fills his cheeks that makes Buffy swoon. _Oh dear_, she thinks, _Human Angel is something I definitely can get used to._

She silences him with her lips once more, "For what? moving too slowly?" she untangles herself from his arms and gives him the most seductive smile she can, and slowly removes her shirt as she walks towards his room. Turning to face him as she reachs the door, she speaks gently.

"I believe perfect happiness is in order?" Then she dissapears inside. Not needing to be told twice, he follows after her and thanks his lucky stars.

**Your love is a verb here in my room  
Here in my room, here in my room**  
**I came here expecting next to nothing  
So thank you for being that kind of girl  
That kind of girl**

THE END

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A/N-2: LOVED writing this. I definitely see Angel in New York, seeing as how he had already lived there once. Also, feel bad for Nina... a scenario i'm interested in exploring further again someday. Not making Nina feel bad, but having Buffy go after Angel. Lots of potential there.

Hope you all liked!


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